Money disparities can cause problems in a relationship. But they don’t have to.
By
Francine Russo
April 16, 2026 at 11:30 am ET
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https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/money-differences-friendship-50c4aae6
Old friendships often feel indestructible. Nothing could tear us apart, after all these years. But financial issues can test that bond, particularly disparities in wealth and differences over spending, giving and accepting money. To keep your relationship strong and deal with stressful situations, consider these insights.
Don’t focus on the money
Think about what you enjoy about the friendship and what your long connection means to you, suggests financial psychologist Sonya Lutter at Texas Tech University. Ask yourself when you’ve been happiest together—maybe when you were watching sports and ordering pizza, or wandering city streets and discovering eateries frequented by taxi drivers. Try to build these elements of comfort or adventure into your current experiences.
Redefine reciprocity
No one enjoys feeling a relationship is one-sided. But too often when thinking of reciprocity, we think of like for like, or divvying up expenses. I get the opera tickets; you take us to the IMAX thriller. We split the dinner bill.
This can work. But our most important friendships have different kinds of equity.
If your friend demurs at your offer to be your season companion courtside, share your view of what he has given you. Maybe his family table became your refuge in the year after your wife left you, and no amount of money could ever repay him. If you’re the reluctant friend, take this in.
“I always say there’s no keeping track or scorecard of who’s paying for what,” says St. Louis University family therapist Max Zubatsky. “It should be unconditional. If wealthier people want to reach out and they have the means, it should be about social connection and thriving with friends.”
Respect boundaries
Over time we all have probably set informal limits on what we will give or accept. We should respect those boundaries. For instance, your friend may have just laughed when you offered to replace their old clunker with a new car. But they did agree to accompany you and your spouse to the philharmonic for the season.
Boundaries for borrowing and lending should also be clear. If your friend has regularly taken loans and not repaid them, that has likely strained your relationship. “After a certain point,” says Zubatsky, “it is OK to simply say ‘No.’ A later-life friendship should not be dictated on whether one person can give financial help to the other.”
On the other hand, if your friend has never asked for money and never would, you might want to make a loan or even a gift of money in a crisis. And if your spouse needs cancer treatment in another city, you might want to relax your boundaries and accept a gift of financial help gratefully.
Be sensitive to their sore spots
When you’ve been friends for a long time, inevitably you’ve seen their hackles rise in certain situations. They may blanch at a $200 tasting menu and not be able to enjoy their food. So don’t suggest it. If your social-worker friend envies your designer clothes, you don’t have to ditch your Prada for rags, but it’s probably better not to festoon your outfit with your biggest diamond. “Don’t rub it in their faces,” says Robin Stilwell, a family therapist in Boynton Beach, Fla.
Don’t judge
Accept that most people are likely to disagree on some things when it comes to money, says Columbia University financial psychologist Meghaan Lurtz. Problems come when we don’t just disagree with how a friend thinks about or uses money, she says: “We judge it.”
Let’s say your friend buys an expensive designer bag every year, a practice you find wasteful or just silly. “If you understand that your friend buys those bags because it’s how she feels worthy or how she rewards herself for working hard, the behavior stops being a character flaw and becomes just a difference,” Lurtz says.
“Giving up the need to have your friend be more like you will reduce the likelihood of offering unsolicited advice or radiating silent disapproval,” says Lurtz, “and a huge source of tension just drops away.”
Talk about the tensions
It’s not easy to talk about money, but it helps, Lurtz says. If there’s tension in your relationship over money, think about what’s bothering you and bring it up in a nonblaming way, she advises. Describe the situation that troubled you, how you felt and what you want to be different. Be open and curious about the other person’s point of view.
For instance, say you want to know why your friend declined your last few invitations to group dinners you hosted. If you felt hurt, say so. You may find out that you behave differently in a group than alone together or with spouses. Maybe your friend feels you put on more of a show or become controlling. Talking through what happened can help you both understand the other’s feelings and avoid those tensions in the future.
You can also take the conversation in a more positive direction. “Be honest about what brings you joy in the relationship,” says Lutter, “and suggest what you can offer to continue keeping that vision a reality.”
Francine Russo is the author of “Love After 50: How to Find It, Enjoy It, and Keep It.” She lives in New York. She can be reached at reports@wsj.com.
